Sunday, December 31, 2006

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Confessions countdown

Only an hour and a half to go until the Confessions Tour broadcast will finally start in Holland! I'm so excited! I can't wait for it to begin. Time really does go by so slowly!
For everyone who will be watching it tonight: enjoy. It looks fantastic, channel Nederland 3 has just aired a trailer and I was flipping on it!

Tonight on tv

Just a quick reminder to the Dutchies, that the Confessions Tour, filmed live at London's Wembley Arena, will premier on Dutch tv this evening. Channel Nederland 3, at 22.oo hrs!
Of course, this will be the cut version, missing the Sorry remix, Drowned World, Paradise and Lucky Star, but regardless, it will be a hell of a show to watch. At least they didn't cut the crucifixation as they did in the United States. Remember: the full version of the show will be available on DVD in just under a month!

Enjoy!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Drinks, drinks and even more drinks

Another day of vacation! Therefor yesterday I finally had the chance to go binging on a working day, and Leendert was perfect company for that! I wasn't even hung-over this morning (although I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad sign hehe), so I decided to go swimming this afternoon with Chris. We had a good time, although the swimming pool was very crowded with screaming children, because of their Christmas vacation. Still, since I'm not very much of a sports guy, swimming is good exercise for me!

Tonight I'm going out with Bo, who is in Groningen because of the upcoming New Year's Eve. That's something I really like. Of course, now that Bo lives in Utrecht, I don't get to see him that often anymore, while we used to have drinks every week while he still lived up here in the north. And because we're both free tomorrow, there's no limit to the amount of beer we can consume, and if any of you know me in real life, you'll know that that's a good thing for me hehe.

Well, a couple of hours of sitcom watching are on their way, until I'm off to the pub. Cheers!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Take that and party

When I woke up this morning I was in a bit of a bad mood because of my ex-boyfriend. Not that he did anything, but I had dreamt about him and when I woke up I suddenly realised that we had broken up, so I had a bit of a bad start because I missed him so much. When I'm in a bad mood, I become somewhat of a compulsive shopper, so I went to the record store and bought myself the new Take That DVD: The Ultimate Tour.

I just watched it and boy how much childhood sentiment can you get? I used to love Take That when I was in high school, but of course it wasn't something you flaunt as a guy, so I had to listen to them privately through my discman (it was the pre-iPod era). I wouldn't go as far as saying I was devastated when they split, but I did feel kinda sad about it. Imagine my happiness now that they have released a new album and just finished of a UK tour (of which the Manchester City Stadium show has been filmed for this DVD).

And now for the very good part: rumour has it they will do a European summer tour as well in 2007! After watching the DVD I'm definitely going to buy myself a ticket and finally see my childhood idols. Mark Owen looks just as handsome as ever, and they still sing pretty good, although of course the singing was never really what it was all about hehe. Still, I was surprised to still be able to sing along to every single tune on the DVD, even though some of them are more then 15 year old. Everything Changes but Take That! Yay!

Holiday memories

I'm back from a great Christmas with my parents! I went there on Sunday, to get a bit of a head start before any of my siblings would arrive, so I had some drinks with my parents, which was nice and all. We didn't do anything really, just had a couple of drinks and had a bit of a chat.

Monday of course it was Christmas day, so my sister, brother in law and nephew, and one of my two brothers (the other one was in Poland) came over. We had a very nice day, with all sorts of nibbles and a fabulous Christmas dinner. It was nice to see all of them again, and we had a great time chatting up on how all of us were doing.

Yesterday it was just me and my parents again for Boxing Day (although in Holland we call it 2nd Christmas Day) and I got a little too boozed up. Went back home at 10-ish, after which I had some drinks with Niels, which was nice as well.

All in all, I had a great time. Of cours, I missed E. every now and again, but generally I didn't feel too sad about it. I expected it to be a very bad experience, you know, thinking about him all the time, but it worked out just fine.

Hope all of you have had a fab Christmas as well!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry X-mas

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas! Don't eat or drink too much, cause I sure will haha!
I'll be off to my parent's in just a few hours, meaning I won't be able to post until after Christmas, so have fun, be safe and see you soon!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

The joy of Christmas

My office's Christmas function was a blast yesterday! We drank just a little too much booze and generally had a very good time. Not only because it's Christmas very soon, meaning a week of vacation, but moreover because of my new job obviously. I got a lot of good wishes from co-workers and there was this terrible karaoke show which is of course totally humiliating, but nice to see haha.

After that, my friend Leendert came over for drinks, and we watched Madonna's classic movie Desperately Seeking Susan. Of course, by then I was completely drunk, but what better way is there to start of the weekend?

This morning I took a particular long shower and now my hangover has dissappeared completely, which is a good thing seeing I have to go to Zwolle in just a few hours for my date. I hope it's going to be a nice evening, but I'm sure it will!

Friday, December 22, 2006

A new job

As I'm writing this, I'm as thrilled as I can be: I've got a new job!!! I had my interview this morning, and just an hour and a half later I got the news that I was chosen from the candidates! I'll start on Monday january 8th, so that leaves me one week of vacation, and one week of wrapping up my current job.

It's a bit difficult to explain what I'll be doing, but what it comes down to, is that I'll be doing budgetting, reporting and billing for our entire business unit, which is Groningen, Enschede and Leeuwarden (three cities in the Netherlands, I live in Groningen). I'm totally excited about this, cause I really wanted to have this job and I didn't think I would get it so easy. I was kinda positive about the interview, but still, you just can't tell what the recruiters will think of it, can you?

Anyway, we're having a Christmas function in two hours, and of course I've got a lot to celebrate right now. Can't believe this good news is coming just in time for Christmas, after I felt kinda sad yesterday! It's a good day, today!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Christmas blues

I'm a bit sad today, and there's not really a reason to it. I guess it's just because it's been a busy day at work and I'm so tired right now. I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm preparing for it, but in the end the thing I would most like to do right now is just go to bed.

It doesn't help the Christmas is coming upm in just a few days. It's not like I really care anymore, as I wrote a couple of days ago, but still it's a bit sad to realise that all my Christmas plans have been sort of thrown to pieces after E. broke up with me. We were supposed to go to Geldrop on Christmas Eve, to go to chrurch (which is not something I usually do, but I'm one of those hypocrites who like doing so at Christmas time), go visit my parents on Christmas Day, and his parents on Boxing Day.

Of course, none of that will happen now, and even though I'm not supposed to care, I do care. I'm going to spend two days at my parents house now, which is by all means fine, but it does mean yet another Christmas of being alone. It's become somewhat of a habit and I was so thrilled about being able to break it this year, but no such luck I guess. To tell you the truth, Christmas for me could just as well go by without a trace.

Casino Royale

As I mentioned yesterday, I wasn't exactly sure if I would like Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. Well, after seeing Casino Royale yesterday, I can definitely say I don't. I don't think he looks like Bond, he doesn't have his sense of humour, and there wasn't a gadget in sight. Furthermore, of course it's totally illogical that M. is already a woman, while this film portrays Bond's first year as a secret agent. And why isn't this movie set in the Cold War? After all, that was the time when Bond first started as a double 0. There is even a brief mention by M. where she whispers 'I miss the Cold War'. Uhm, hello, if there was any sense of chronology, she would have been right in the middle of the Cold War, and perhaps not even been born yet...

You may have guessed it: I, as a profound Bond fan, hated this movie. Such a shame to bring such a great franchise to a waste. Hopefully they will come to theit senses in the next one. This has happened before. Live and let die, the first Roger More movie, sucked ass big time, while afte the that the series was right back on track. So I am in good hope that the same will happen this time, although I really doubt it, since the reviews are quite raving and also I've heard from many people that they loved this movie.

Good thing was the popcorn tasted as good as ever, so I didn't exactly got bored, but still, I would have expected better.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Hanging around

I'm a happy camper today, cause I'm having an especially short day at work, leaving as early as 4-ish this afternoon. Of course, it's about time as well, since I'm working in maximum overdrive for like three weeks now. Thank God I'll be enjoying a week vacation next week, between Christmas and New Year! At first I was planning on going to London, but seeing that London will probably be even more expensive during the holiday season, I think I will delay my visit for a couple of weeks and go somewhere in january, when room rates will probably hit rock bottom, as far as rates in London go. So now I don't really have any plans at all, which is fine by me. Just hanging around a bit seems awfully enjoyable at the moment!

Tonight, me and Anneke will finally go see Casino Royale, the new Bond movie. For me, as a Bond fan, it's of course a disgrace that I haven't seen it yet even though it's out in theatres for a couple of weeks already, but I'm making it all up tonight! Can't wait to get my popcorn and enjoy the movie! I'm not sure though what to think of Daniel Craig, the new guy playing Bond. I was used to Pierce Brosnan (although of course Sean Connery is still the ultimate Bond), so I hope this new guy can live up to that. I'll give a full report on my opinion on the movie tomorrow!

For now, I'll be getting back to work. It's lunch time in 40 minutes and I'm hungry!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Interviews and dates

I just got an email inviting me for the job interview I was hoping for! I applied a couple of days ago but wasn't sure if I was going to be invited, but as it happens, I am! Next Friday, at 11, it's my turn, so of course I'm already a bit nervous, although I'm sure there's really nothing to be worried about, since I know both of the people I'm having the interview with. Still, better wish me luck!

Furthermore, I'm having a date next Saturday, which is kinda exciting! I'm not going to write about it any more than just letting you know I'm looking forward to it!

Anyway, back to work for me. It's another busy day, although I'm glad to announce that the trainees are doing a lot better today and don't ask so many questions anymore as they did yesterday. Let's hope it stays this way, so that I will have a bit of time for my normal work as well!

Cheers!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Virtual insanity

I'm on the verge of going insane. I've been training a bunch of new people at work for the entire morning, and as it seemed they were catching up pretty quickly, but now that they're actually doing the work, they just keep coming up with questions, preventing me from any other work. As I'm writing this, I'm taking a bit of a break to cool down, cause I really feel like swearing at them, which is of course not a very good thing to do.

I just can't wait to get home tonight and do absolutely nothing. I just want to hang around on the couch and watch a movie, while drinking wine and eating junkfood. I know, I'm a bad person hehe. Hopefully I can get one of my friends to join me, cause there's nothing I hate more than spending the evening on my own after a stressful day. Thank God this is just a temporary group, and all will go back to normal pretty soon!

By the way, thanks to gay.nl, this weblog has experienced an explosive increase of pageviews, up to 131, more than three times the amount of views than the previous record.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Enjoy it while it lasts

So I just put my profile back on on gay.nl, the place where I met my ex-boyfriend. As you may recall, E. and I decided at the time that we were both going to delete our accounts, since it feels a bit odd to go around chatting with strangers when you've got a boyfriend. But that 7 months ago now, and since we broke up a couple of weeks ago there was no reason to not be on that site anymore, so I created a new account.

You wouldn't believe how many messages you get when you're fresh in. My arm is actually hurting from RSI by answering all of them. It's quite funny, cause I remember from the last time that it only lasts about one evening, after which you just get a couple of messages per week. Anyway, enjoy it while it lasts, as they say.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Kicking in

I'm so happy that the weekend has finally kicked in. It has been an extremely busy and stressful week, so I really feel like I deserve to have these two days off! Next Monday I have to train a group of 15 new agents, so as you can imagine that will be a busy time as well.

The mysterious good looking co-worker hasn't been at the office for the entire week. I hope he didn't get himself fired or something. Anyway, without him being there, it spared me the embarassment I was expecting, but of course that can still happen next week. I do intend to get motherfucking drunk at our Christmas function next Friday, so I hope I won't make a fool out of myself haha.

All in the past

I'm at home right now and I think I'm more insightful to myself than I've ever been. I realise so much right now how I've been such a goddamn fool for so long. I have been an asshole thinking to myself that me and Emiel (yes, I realise this is the first time I ever mention his real name on my site, but frankly, I don't give a fuck) would ever get back together again. I realise now don't ever WANT us to get back together again. It's over, it's done, it's been ancient history.

Really, I'm through with it. I don't exactly know why, since I haven't talked to him today, but it's just fine with me, I don't want to take it anymore, I don't want to be with him anymore, I just don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I'm just so over it. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt over a guy who obviously cannot even take care of himself, much less take care of me or even just be undrstanding of me. Why in the hell should I feel even remotely sorry for how he's feeling? So what if he feels like shit, it's just not my problem anymore.

So, even though this post may sound very angry, I'm actually not. I'm just through with it. I'm not angry, sad, desperate or anything. I'm just through. Through, and too tired to actually have an opinion on all of this. Let's just look back on all of this as a good time I've shared with someone who has been very important to me, but let's face it: it's all in the past.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Copy paste

I'm so not into to working today (for reasons I do'n't want to post here) and I just can't wait till I get off in a couple of hours. It's hot in here, I'm tired and I just want to go home now. I feel like a secretary right now, since I've been busy copying stuff all afternoon, which is not my favourite pastime by all means.

Yesterday I got an email from E.'s brother, stating that he would pay him a visit that evening, so I'm wondering how it went. I don't have a new email yet, so I'm kinda curious to find out!

Well, that's it for now. A short post, but I've got loads of more copying to do...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I just don't give a fuck anymore

Yesterday evening I called E. up to ask him how it's going. I hadn't talked to him in a week so I figured it would be nice just to check things out. We didn't have a very long conversation, and quite frankly, on my part we didn't need to. It was just basically exchanging some (sincere or not, I don't know) inquiries and that was about it. I guess it didn't take us more than three minutes.

Before I called him, I feared it might make me sad again, but quite surprisingly it didn't. It actually felt quite good to realise that I'm not the one having all these problems, but he is. I mean, sure, at first I felt pretty lousy about us breaking up, but time really does heal pretty easy, and now I don't really give a fuck anymore for the most part. It's only very rarely at night that I feel just a bit sad, but that's about it. He on the other hand is having so much stuff on his mind, that I should be basically grateful not to be involved in all that anymore.

So, weird as it may sound, I'm pretty much quite relieved not to be part of all thee problems and the depressions anymore, and I just learned that I can move on pretty easy, much different than from my last long relationship, where I spend an enourmous amount of time recovering. I was so fucking afraid that all that would happen again this time round, but it miraculously didn't.

So, maybe I'll call him again in a week, maybe I don't. Frankly my dear, I just don't give a fuck anymore.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Job opening

Again it's a busy day at work, but again I don't mind because the day goes all the more faster when you've got loads of things to do. It's almost eleven already and it feels like I've just arrived. No complaints here!

Furthermore, there's another job opening coming up, on a position I would really like to have, so I have to go and write a good application letter tonight, in hopes they'll choose me! Wish me luck! I'm pretty lousy in writing these kind of letters, so I'm going to need it!

That's it for now, I'm dying for a cigarette!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Embarrasment update

Well, haven't seen him, so I guess I delayed that embarassment! Stupid to think of course, cause I will be in that weird situation one of these days anyway, but still, it's always a good thing to have a couple of days of 'normal' working (whatever that means) before it's time to be the silly one.

I went home after work pretty early, about 4-ish, cause I was kinda fed up with it, but now the problem is I don't have anything to do tonight and feel terribly bored, but because of it being a Monday I cannot go out or anything, because it's just plain stupid to be doing that on a Monday. So now I'm watching sitcom's on the couch and actually feel quite happy about it, even though I would much rather have some people coming over for a drink. Maybe this is a good day to go to bed early and get a good night sleep so that I'm nice and fresh tomorrow morning.

Still haven't heard anything from my ex-boyfriend, which I still suppose is a good thing. When we got into this big final fight last week (even though are relationship was over for about two weeks at the time), I wasn't quite sure if I wanted him to call me or if I wanted the opposite. I guess I'm still not completely sure, but I do think it's for the better this way. At least I'm pretty easy nowadays in not calling him, which I think is a big step up from my former relationship with R., who I wanted to call every second of the day. Is this maturity? After all, I am 26 haha!

Anyway, I thought I would be feeling pretty lousy, and even though I'm not completely happy because of my boring evening, I have to admit it has nothing to do with E., so maybe I am getting over him easier than I thought! If there is still anything to get over, that is. I've been making a list of things not going very well in our past relationship, and to my big shock it was quite a long list. Of course, there were also a lot of good things going on, but looking back on it, I guess it just wasn't the perfect relationship I made it up to be in my head. I hate to say it, but maybe we just didn't fit well, and it was time to move on. I'm still not sure, but I do know I'm feeling a lot better than I did a week ago.

Humiliation

Just as I expected yesterday, it's a busy day again at work, for which I'm kinda grateful, since it makes the day go by so fast! I'm falling over myself trying to get everything done, and so far I've been pretty succesful, so let's hope I'll be able to keep it this way!

I haven't seen the co-worker I mentioned a couple of days ago yet, which I suppose is a good thing, cause it would be very embarassing running into him after our little disaster last week. I cannot believe I actually had the nerve to have Ziena give him my phone number, cause obviously it was to be expected he would't call. I mean honestly, would I? I don't think so.

Anyway, sometimes he starts working in the afternoon so there's still a chance it will all be a quite humiliating situation. If that's the case, I'll keep you posted!

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Happy unwrapping

I'm back in Groningen after a fun afternoon celebrating my mother's birthday. I started off on a bad manner, because as of today all the train departure times have changed, and of course I wasn't aware of this, leaving me waiting at the station for almost an hour. Oh well, of course I'm very used to this because of all the delays I've had travelling to my ex-boyfriend in Breda, but still, it can really piss me off.

Anyway, once there, in Leeuwarden, I had a good time! I'm tired now and I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I'll be off! Cheers!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Birthday shopping

It's a nice sunny Saturday here in Holland, albeit a bit chilly. I have to go shopping this afternoon for my mother's birthday. It was actually last thursday, but we're celebrating it tomorrow, so I have to get a present. It won't be a problem cause I already know what I'm buying here (but can't post it here in case she reads it beforehand, which would spoil the surprise).

Then afterwards, tonight I'll probably be going out with Niels, although I haven't heard from him yet, but we had this sorta kinda agreement we would go clubbing tonight so I guess that will work out. I can't make it too late obviously, cause I don't want to shop up at my mother's birthday totally hungover haha.

Haven't heard from the co-worker yet, although I did wake up by a call of an unknown phone number this morning, but I was too late to answer it. Oh well, we'll see.

Friday, December 08, 2006

I'm entitled to it

It's weird, and I might and up actually deleting this blog entry, but the strangest thing happened: I actually like a co-worker very much. I don't know his name, don't actually know anything about him, except that for some reason he really appeals to me.

My co-wotker and fag hag to the max Ziena tackled him this evening and gave him my phone number, so let's just see what happens.

I don't even feel sorry for y ex-boyfriend. Let's remember he's the one who ended it all. I don't really know if this is going on with my life, but if it is, I'm entirely entitled to it.

Getting there

I feel a lot less negative than I've done for these past weeks. I had a long conversation with E. on the phone last Thuesday, and it sorta opened my eyes. It is not me who needs to feel sorry for myself, it's him. Not because he lost me, but simply because he has made such a mess out of his life.

It's too early to say I'm happy to go along without him, but I do have to say that, looking from another perspective at all this, maybe it's for the better that we've split up. I don't feel like being his shrink kinda person anymore. I owe him nothing of that type, since he has broken up with me, and quite frankly, I don't want to do it anymore.

It still takes a bit of getting used to, but the most important thing is: I'm getting there!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm not Dead

Yesterday evening David, Remco, Anneke and I went to Amsterdam to see P!nk's I'm Not Dead Tour at the Heineken Music Hall in Amsterdam. Originally Dirk was supposed to come along, but unfortunatally he had to go to class which he couldn't skip, so David replaced him.

Boy, did we have a good time. The pre-show, a German band called Lili, was already very cool, and after a half hour wait, the houselights went down and along came P!nk. She delivered new songs from her album I'm Not Dead, switched off with older hit singles such as Just Like A Pill, Get The Party Started and Trouble. The soundsystem at the HMH is fantastic, so even though we weren't near the front, we had a great sound, and because the concert hall isn't all that large (about 8000 capacity) we also had a good view of the action on the stage. Action there was, with P!nk flying accross the air, lying on a motorbike and changing clothes about every two or three songs.

The setlist was as follows:

Intro
1. Cuz I Can
2. Trouble
3. Just Like a Pill
4. Who Knew
5. Im Not Dead
6. Lady Marmalade
7. Stupid Girls
8. There You Go
9. God is a DJ
10. Fingers
11. Family Portrait
12. Bob Marley's Redemption Song
13. The one that got away
14. Dear Mr. President
15. What's Up
Intro
16. U and Ur Hand
17. 18 Wheeler
18. Don't Let Me Get Me
19. Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)
Encore
20. Nobody Knows
21. Get the Party Started / Sweet Dreams

All in all, we had a great night!

Monday, December 04, 2006

A very bad dream

Another bad day. I'm so trying not to think about my ex boyfriend, but I just can't help myself. It doesn't help that I've had such a long stressful day at work as well. Being tired gives you even more of a reason to feel incredibly sad, which is exactly how I'm feeling right now.

Also, I'm afraid. I'm so scared that this may take me such a long time to get over. After my former boyfriend R. dumped me, it took me such an incredible long time to get over him. Even now I still can't just talk normal to him. Giving the fact that I've loved (and still love) E. more than I ever loved R., I'm so patrified that it will be even harder this time.

Especially because this time it seems so illogical that it's all over. I didn't see it coming at all, and just got bombed by the news that I was no longer E.'s boyfriend. I didn't have any time to adjust to the idea of things getting harder, because I didn't see any signs. It was just over, and that was that.

Am I so stupid that I didn't see any signs, or was this really something I couldn't see coming? I don't know, but I do know that I feel as if my life has just fallen completely apart. I wish I could skip those goddamned fucked up holiday season coming up, cause I could not feel any further from festivity. I just wish I could turn back the clock and undo all this mess, like it was all just a very bad dream.

Not my kinda job

By some miraculous act of God, I wasn't even too hung-over on Saturday, after the Friday night party. SO I went shopping with Sjeed and Dinne for birthday presents for Remco and David, who were celebrating that evening.

After dinner I went to their party, which was very nice. I stayed until about 1-ish, after I which I went clubbing in the local gaybar Golden Arm, with Leendert. It was a fun evening, although maybe I should have had one beer less than I did haha.

Sunday I went to my parents, and also had dinner there. After dinner, I tried to call E., which was perhaps not the wisest idea, but I just couldn't help myself. He didn't answer the phone though, because he was in a restaurant having dinner with his brother. I did get a couple of text messages though, and we agreed to call each other tonight. You could say it's a dumb thing to do, because I will only make myself unhappy, but the thing is that I'll do it anyway, even though I'm perfectly aware of the side effects. I'm just not very good in being someone's ex-boyfriend.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Sunday bloody sunday

I know it seems like I'm whining all day long, but I can't help myself. I'm pretty sad at the moment. Not only does the weekend seem even more hard than I expected, without E., but now also my parents have cancelled their visit tomorrow, meaning I've got nothing to do on Sunday.

For the past half year I've spend the Sunday with E., and, in the event of me going to Breda, riding the train home late in the afternoon. I don't know what to do with a Sunday without those two things.

I've send E. a e-mail card but he's not responding. Well actually, he hasn't read it yet, because I haven't recieved a delivery confirmation yet. I'm wondering if he's just not at his computer, or that he just deleted the message without reading it at all.

Drink the pain away

In total compliance with how I'm feeling lately, I got fully loaded yesterday and drank more booze than I guess I ever did before. I remember everything up until a certain point, after which it was a blur, except for the fact that I was crying like a baby. I don't know, I guess I made a complete fool of myself, but I really do think I needed this. Drink the pain away they call it, but of course it doesn't help whatsoever, so now I'm feeling just as miserable as I did since the beginning of all this shit.

I just miss E. so much, I can't handle it anymore. As I wrote before, this is the first weekend without him, and I don't have a clue how to handle it. All I can think of is how much I want to be with him, how much I love him and how much I miss him. There's nothing in this world I want more than just getting back together, even though I know it's just a futile thought.

Friday, December 01, 2006

It's all an illusion

You know what? I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I'm sitting here in my room thinking back on all the good times E. and I have had together, and now that it's all over, I just don't care about anything anymore. It's so fucked up that someone who has been the most important part of your life for such a long time just suddenly disappears and leaves you with nothing.

Nothing. That's the only word to describe how I'm feeling right now. Maybe 'empty' is another good example. I thought I was the luckiest guy on the planet to have such a fantastic boyfriend who I loved with all my heart, and I seriously believed that this time it would be for real and that we would stay together. What a goddamned fool am I to believe in such a stupid fantasy. Of course it had to end, it always does doesn't it? No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you do everything you can to make it work, it never does.

I may sound bitter right now, but this is simply how I'm feeling because of experience. This has been the third time I actually really loved someone, and it has ended again. Makes me wonder: why bother? Why start off with someone when you basically expect it to end every moment, leaving you in a deep depression. Wouldn't I be better off just not getting involved with anyone anymore? It sure as hell would save me a lot of grief.

No need for weekend

In about ten minutes my weekend begins. I don't even really care about it, cause this is to be the first weekend without E. Sure. there are parties enough, but I have to say I kinda grew out of the party mood. Me and E. usually just stayed in on Saturday night, and I kinda lost my hunger for clubbing. Well, anway, we'll see what happens...
 
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